I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You Might Also Like
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…