Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?