I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..