Lube but for my dry humor.
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*skinny dips into black hole
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
become ungovernable
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.