*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“Wait, let me explain..”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night