Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Sponch
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
One venti cheeseburger please.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?