I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
New menu item
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.