Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*serious situation*
My brain:
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well