I can’t be the only one 😂
You Might Also Like
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I only treason on days ending in y
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*