sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.