if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?