new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
the best thing i’ve ever made
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.