So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
english majors be like furthermore
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok