6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Noah
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.