if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.