Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
How to properly lift a body
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF