Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
all bases covered
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
peak technology
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.