idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this