[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus