Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*puts my mental health in rice
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are