*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas