Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I never needed anything more in my life
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)