This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real