I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
incredible text to wake up to
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.