Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.