Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant