PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out