Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me irl
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”