Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you鈥檙e standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don鈥檛 care one bit. They鈥檒l dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I鈥檓 sorry for a lot of things but I鈥檓 not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He鈥檚 quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife鈥檚 vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
ODE TO TWITTER
馃幎Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart馃幎
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic鈥攐mg, yay.
My馃憦spacebar馃憦is馃憦broken馃憦so馃憦I’m馃憦using馃憦the馃憦clapping馃憦emoji馃憦instead馃憦I’m馃憦not馃憦trying馃憦to馃憦make馃憦a馃憦point
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So鈥 meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I鈥檓 not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.