Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Why is no one talking about this?!
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.