[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.