I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.