Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
sin harder.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…