1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze