“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?