1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.