I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
this is literally a CIA plant
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.