I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Look at this
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.