Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Oh no
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.