You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
No laws when master is gone
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*