Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
You Might Also Like
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.