To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”