I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.