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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Come back with a warrant
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Thoughts