Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis