I’m giving up ice.
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.