Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
reminder
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.