that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
every. time.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.