Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that