Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
See..?
.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx